The Toughest Nights of My Life

I am not a stranger to heartbreak. I have, admittedly, made some very poor decisions in my life – from choosing the wrong friends to trust, losing a home, loving a boy who i’m pretty sure was evil personified.

But I have to say, nothing compares to a newborn’s very first growth spurt.
A week into our baby’s life, with only some hours of sleep every night, Elon decides he wants to get bigger. In fact, he’s so excited to become a big boy that instead of losing weight during the first few days of life, he gained 70 grams instead. What the heck did they put in my breastmilk.

So anyway, two nights ago, he fed from 1245 am to 530 in the morning, with a few diaper changes sandwiched in between and a few minutes of me just staring at this red-faced, screaming little critter, asking for more milk than my body can currently make. For those who didn’t know – breastmilk production is slower at night, which is PUNISHMENT because babies usually get fussy and more demanding at night as well. WHY.

I don’t know how I can explain this. Imagine yourself with only 5% of your brain functioning due to lack of sleep, your (sorry TMI) boobies sore from all the feeding, your ears ringing from the incredibly powerful cries of your baby boy. He’s asking you to give more, more, MORE MOMMY MORE, but your boobs are like, WAIT LANG WAIT LANG DI PA READY YUNG MILK, and your heart is aching because you can’t stand seeing your son so unhappy and hearing him wail that hard and no matter what you do he won’t stop and latching is so hard because he keeps on punching and kicking and scratching your already raw skin and so you put him back in his crib and just stare at him as he cries because dear Lord, why won’t he stop?

Thank God for amazing husbands. There’s not much he can do in the feeding department, but he’s been staying up with me just so I don’t feel so alone in this madness. He’ll change diapers, get me some water, try to comfort the baby in between feedings so I can take a few minutes to recalibrate and sometimes, just hold my hand and comfort me while I cry for a few minutes just to get all of this off my chest. There’s not much we can do about the hormonal changes that are taking place (while all of this is happening, nonetheless!) but it helps a great deal when you’ve got a great support system in your partner and your family members. When they offer help – take it. There’s only so much you can expect yourself to do.

I don’t really have a point to this entry. I just needed to let this out. This is just me riding the wave of my postpartum delirium and telling myself (and all other new moms out there) that there’s no need to put so much pressure on ourselves. We have no idea what we are doing, and I guess that’s okay. You may cry for no reason or for all these reasons, at any time of the day, and that’s okay. We just need to let this happen, and hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel won’t be far away.

They say growth spurts only last a couple of days. Well, hopefully they’re right, but i’m preparing myself for another night of this craziness. But we can do this! We can. We can. Okay, go.

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